I cannot tell you how stressful this past month has been. Maybe it has just seemed worse since being hopped up on hormones makes everything worse for everyone. But it has been a hard month, at least for me.
Sometimes I feel like I run around spreading myself too thin and wish there was just ONE thing I was doing really well instead of a lot of things I wasn't doing well. One thing I often wish I was better at was mothering. I feel guilty being gone so much lately between work and doctor's appointments, especially as we want a little brother or sister for Benny and I want to be there for them, not shuttling them off to sitters all the time. But at the same time we need the job and medical treatments to be able to HAVE a baby, so it's kind of a catch 22.
The other day I was so frustrated and feeling bad, so I asked Benny if I was a bad mom. He looked at me wide eyed and adamantly said, "No, you're a good mommy!" And gave me a hug. I don't usually ask for praise or reassurance (also not why I am writing this post), but that day I needed it. What a sweet boy.
Then yesterday I was driving home with Benny and he asked his usual, "What am I going to see after my nap?" Meaning, "who am I going to see and what am I going to do tomorrow morning after I wake up." He always has to have a plan.
Me: You're going to Auntie Kimiko's house to play with Mayumi.
Benny: Oh. Where are you going?
Me: I'm going to work.
Benny: Who are you going to help?
Me: I'm going to clean some people's teeth.
He assumed that since he was going to a sitter again, we would be off helping someone. I often wonder if we are doing things right, if we are doing all the things we need to. At that moment I realized that yes, maybe we're doing ok. My 2 year old has not once complained about the amount of time Ben and I have been gone lately, he has only noticed that we have been out "helping people." There have been many moves and service projects, and I am so glad that that is where we have been spending our time instead of other frivolous ways.
Benny is definitely a typical two year old with two year old antics, but also typical in how pure and innocent they are. I felt humbled.
6 comments:
I find myself being the worst mom when I'm tired, and I'm tired when I'm pregnant and when I have a new baby, and that means I've been tired for the past 7 years, so I feel like all they've known is my worst. But, somehow, they still love me. And, maybe when I am eventually my best, they'll appreciate it more.
love it! Hang in there, you are doing awesome.
You are not a bad mom for doing things that will benefit your family. And helping others will eventually benefit them as well. Benny is a happy little boy who is loved and well cared for. That's all that matters.
It is funny how much I can relate to what you are saying. There are so many times I feel like I am not good at being a Mom and almost feel sorry for my kids. I keep working on it and feel some days are better than others. I definately think you are a great mom and that you have so many qualities I wish I had. Good luck with everything!
You are an amazing person and mother!!!!
Very sweet. You guys are doing a great job and obviously Benny knows this and feels your spirits that calm your home and make him feel secure even though you might feel the opposite at times. Young children are very close to the spirit. and can feel it around them.
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